Ninja Bombs and Baby Blankies
by kigen
Summary: Naruto held the crying baby in one hand, a note in the other. "Thought you might like this, have fun. Suigetsu PS: He gets cranky if he doesn't get tomatos." This had to be a joke.


**Ninja Bombs and Baby Blankies**

By: Kigen and Ritsu Yamayake

An rp between me and my friend Ritsu Yamayake, because we love babies. It will eventually be NaruSasu. And an unedited version will eventually find it's way on adult fanfiction . net. Most of the Japanese was edited out. The only things that really remained are honorfics, tousan, teme, and dattebayou.

**Disclaimer:** Naruto does not belong to us. We just torment the characters with odd jutsus for our own personal amusement.

It was early in the morning, when a sound could be heard from the other side of Naruto Uzumaki's apartment door. It started out as a soft whimpering, not unlike that a young child would make. After several moments, the whimpers escalated into soft cries.

"Hehehe, take that evil ninja!" Came the call of a loud mouth blonde as he tapped away at the plastic buttons viciously. "MAHAH ABB!" He shouted as his character mightily sliced down the random non player character.

The cries grew louder, a frail body trashing in it's confines when no one came to sooth it. It's sobs soon grew loud enough for even Naruto to hear over his video game.

The hyper blonde blinked confusedly as he looked about his small apartment. "Wha..." He asked himself confused as he paused 'Tenchu' standing to look at his living room window searching for the cause of the loud noise. When Naruto was unable to locate it he began to head towards the sound, making his way to his front door. He blinked looking out the peephole but seeing only the adjacent wall of his 2nd story hallway. He shrugged opening the heavy gray door. "Hello?" he asked looking around.

The crying had escalated to screams by the time the door opened, coming from Naruto's feet. There, in a little basket was a small baby about six months in age wrapped in a worn blanket. It's little face was red as tears flowed down it cheeks, little arms trashing and struggling.

Uzumaki Naruto's eyes opened impossibly wide as he stared down at the bundle and basket before him. "...baby..." he stated staring at the sad little babe. "BABY?" He soon screeched picking up the babe; gently cradling its head as he held its nearly naked body close. "Hey, hey. It's ok Little..." Pausing, Naruto peered inside the diaper. "Ahh, it's ok Little Guy. Don't cry. Don't cry." He murmured rocking the screaming baby gently as he pushed the basket inside with his foot.

The baby stopped screaming once it was picked up and cradled, though it continued to cry. It's hands fisted in Naruto's t-shirt as it's mouth opened in another wail.

The blonde, slightly panicked, spun in place once looking for some sort of clue as to why there was a baby at his door. Finding no chakra signature nor person he huffed and went back inside, nearly tripping over the basket in his haste. "Um... crap. What do I do?" he questioned as he looked at the baby smiling and cooing. "It's ok little guy. Shh, it's ok. Umm... Gentle waves, calling softly, ocean lullaby; Rabbit moon glowing silver listens from the sky." the blonde sang softly to the baby hoping to calm him. "Gentle waves, calling softly, ocean lullaby; Rabbit moon glowing silver, beckons me goodnight."

The baby calmed at the gently rocking and soft singing. The blond had a surprising soothing singing voice. The baby sniffled as it stared at Naruto with watery, deep gray eyes. It nuzzled it's face in Narutos arms, cooing unhappily.

The blonde continued to sing as he rocked the baby making smiling faces and brushing the baby's hair gently with his hand, attempting to sooth him. "Ara, what's your name little guy?" Naruto curiously looked down at the basket by his front door, then walking over to it. He maneuvered himself down looking into the basket and all around it. He spotted a note in the basket and picked it up. " 'Thought you might like this, have fun. Suigetsu PS: He gets cranky if he doesn't get tomatoes.' That's it?" He looked through the basket. "Nothing else. No name, just a really smelly blanket." he said, wrinkling his nose. "Smells like fish." Naruto looked at the baby rocking him and then looking down at the baby's face. "You look familiar little guy..."

The baby looked at Naruto, blinking. Sticking his thumb in his mouth, he suckled on it, cooing softly.

Naruto smile widened; cuddling the baby and nuzzling it's forehead against his own. "There we go, no more crying hm?" he said with his famous grin. "Now, to figure out what's next." After collecting a cleaner blanket of Naruto's own belongings he smiled at the baby wrapping him in the bright red blanket and holding him closely as he left his apartment and began hopping across the many roof's of the village. "Time to find Iruka sensei."

The baby squealed as Naruto carried him though Konoha. His short wisps of hair blowing in the air as Naruto ran. "Ahhglahh!" it gurgled.

Naruto smiled at the baby making sure to be careful, even as he allowed himself to drop from building instead of touching off walls, seeing as the baby enjoyed the small leaps. "Hehe brave one aren't you?" Naruto cooed.

The baby giggled hands holding Naruto's shirt tight as they landed in front of Iruka's apartment. "Glah."

Naruto smiled at the baby, nuzzling his once more before looking up at his sensei's apartment with a serious expression. "Well, here we go." He mumbled, slightly nervous before rapping on the door twice. The blonde waited cooing at the baby. But after no response he knocked again. "IRUKA SENSEI!" He called loudly though hushing his voice at the end not wanting to scare the baby boy.

The blond waited a few moments, but Iruka didn't answer his door. The teacher was not home at the moment. Naruto continued to pound on the door, though knocking with his sandaled food so he could better hold the baby. "Iruuukaaa sensei?" Naruto said slightly panicked. "Damn it." he mumbled though covering his mouth as he looked at the baby. "Um, you didn't hear that ok?" he said to the baby smiling sheepishly.

"Dah-mah." the baby gurgled, squirming and starting to chew on the blanket wrapped around him

Naruto paled and sweat dropped as he looked at the baby. "No, no. That should not be a baby's first word. Um, ah..." the blondes blue eyes lite up as a thought came to him. Hopping to the roof of another apartment to sit down comfortably he began to speak. "Dattebayou." he said to the baby.

"Dahhhbaah!" the baby giggled, repeating the sounds, but not actually making any words.

Naruto smiled happily. then quickly thinking took his wallet out of his pocket and producing a photo graph of Team Seven from it. Smiling cheekily as it pointed to Sasuke's face he said to the baby. "Teme." he giggled.

The baby stared at the picture, eyes blinking as it stared at the photo. "Buh." he made grabby hands at the photo.

Naruto smiled allowing the baby to have the photo, not really worried about it being drooled on or gummed to death as he had more. "Hehe. Team Seven's the best." he said to the baby.

"Gah." the babe gummed on the corner of the photo, squirming and starting to fuss.

Naruto smiled as he tucked the blanket around the baby tighter looking about and then into his wallet. "You're lucky I just got payed for my missions little guy." He said smiling gently as he easily stood. "Guess we better go shopping." He then looked at the baby again. "We're going shopping on the other side of the village."

"Bah." the baby squirmed, the photo's falling from his hands and sucking on his thumb.

Naruto caught the photo easily as he tucked the soggy thing back into his pocket. He didn't mind the drool. "So let see." he murmured as he bounded from roof to roof making sure the baby was warm at all times since it was early fall and it was supposed to start getting cold soon. "You need, a binky, bottles, um, baby milk formula stuff... Um... clothing, a toy maybe. Ah... a stroller and a crib probably." The blonde grimaced slightly patting his frog wallet. "It's a good thing you're cute little guy." Naruto teased smiling at the baby.

"Daateh." the baby giggled, his drool wet hand reaching up to pat Naruto's nose.

Naruto scrunched his face a bit though laughing at the baby's happy cry. "Maah dattebayou!" he replied as he touched down in front of a store he knew carried nearly everything he would need. "Good thing I knew this store was here." Naruto said, smiling brightly. "Now, let's get you some stuff, Baby!"

"Dahhtehh." the baby gurgled again, giggling at Naruto's face. He continued to pat Naruto's nose, covering it in baby slime.

Naruto smiled, brushing the slobber away as he grabbed a basket and wandered about the store. "Okay, let's see..." the blonde read the over head signs as he walked around. "Um, household?" he asked himself questioningly as he maneuvered his way through many a scary mother's grocery carts. "Aha!" Naruto shouted happily finding baby bottles and nipples placing them happily into his basket. "Yes, one down-tebayou" he said to his happy little friend.

"Dah!" the baby coos, clapping his drool covered hands. He gave a wide grin, drool on his chin and one tooth showing.

Naruto giggled happily, petting the baby's head gently. "Huh, you have a tooth?" he commented finally noticing it. "Hmm. Guess that means your teeth are coming in and you need teething rings." he commented idly. "Alright! To the diapers." Finding the right diaper proved to be a bit harder as Naruto attempted not to stare at the many boxes of girl products and the many girls buying them. "Alright... Six pounds, seven pounds, eight pounds... Tch. Couldn't they label this as small extra small and baby or something?" he grumped looking at the child. "Happen to know how much you weigh?" he asked.

"Mah." the baby ignored Naruto, managing to snag a boxed teething ring and chewing on the cardboard.

Naruto gently took the box away afraid the baby might manage to gnaw a piece off and choke. "Hmm, well you have an idea." He replied grinning wickedly. He replaced the box with his own finger ignoring as the baby chewed away. Finally reaching the produce section and waiting for it to be relatively empty, he set the baby in the metal basket gently. "Now let's see..."

The blonde watched as the red hand went to twenty-one pounds and he smiled. Picking the baby back up, he dashed away before someone saw them. "Yes!" He said as he snagged a pack of diapers with the leaf symbol on them. "Okay little guy, we need baby formula and a binky and some clothing."

"Buh." the baby kicked his legs, squealing happily as he sucked on Naruto's finger.

Naruto shook his head happily as he ran about the store avoiding as many people as possible and keeping the baby hidden under the blanket. "It's best if people don't start assuming things." He cooed to the baby.

"Boo-buh." the baby replied, starting to chew on Naruto's sleeve, before sneezing and giggling.

Naruto smiled, wiping the baby's nose gently with his clean sleeve; attempting to sooth the sneeze. "Hehe, okay well... I'm sorry, Baby. I'm running low on cash, so you're gonna have to get a basket bed type thing. Maybe one of those hammock type beds." He thought the last bit to himself. "Plus there's no way I can carry a crib home at this rate." He said looking down at the basket.

"Bahhtehh." the baby cooed, chewing on the sleeve as well.

Naruto smiled, allowing the baby to chew on his orange jacket sleeve as he wandered the store and retrieved the rest of the things he'd need. "Okay, let's see. Bottles, binky pack, teething rings, formula, bibs, umbrella stroller, clothing, and the hammock bed thingy. " He finished not knowing what it was called.

"Guh-bah." the baby squirmed, sucking harder on Naruto's sleeve. Seeming to get frustrated, he started to fuss.

Naruto smiled at the baby, shushing him gently as he emptied his basket onto the check out counter. "Hey, hey. It's okay. We'll be done soon, then we can go home and eat and watch cartoons and sleep okay?" he cooed, petting the baby's hair. "Just hold on a bit longer."

The baby whimpered and sucked on his thumb, squirming impatiently.

Naruto smiled at the baby as he looked nervously at the women. He hoped and prayed that she wouldn't ask questions. He fished out his money and payed the women. Then gathering his six shopping bags, three on each arm and cradling the baby between them both, he started on his way back home.

The baby started to fuss a bit louder, suckling on his thumb and growing frustrated. "Nngh..." he whimpered

Naruto hopped gently from roof to roof though found it hard as he nearly dropped everything several times. Sighing frustrated, he resigned himself to walk home hoping the little baby could hold out. He smiled encouragingly at the babe as he padded along past busy night goers and families all heading home.

"Dahhtahhh." the baby whined, starting to sniffle. The poor babe was hungry, and was working his way up to tears to get what he wanted.

Naruto halted, looking though his bags. "Um... binky, binky." he mumbled, looking for something to calm the baby down before he started screaming. "Ummm... Ah-hah!" he said happily as he found it. "Hey, it's okay little guy. Here um, you want the blue one or the orange one?" he asked, holding one in each hand to see if the baby would reach for one.

"Ah-blah." The baby blinked at him with watery eyes, opening his mouth expectantly.

Naruto smiled and selected the orange one. Purchasing a bottle of water from a near by vending machine, he washed it off before placing it in the baby's mouth gently. _Maybe this will keep him calm a little longer_. He thought hopefully. He then retrieved his stuff and continued on his way bounding past stores and people, cooing to the baby gently.

The baby sucked on the binky with gusto, still a bit cranky and fussy, but content enough to keep from crying or screaming for the moment. His hands reached out, grabbing onto whatever they could and clung tight.

Naruto smiled at the baby boy, allowing himself to slow down a bit now as he walked home. "Only about ten more minutes little guy." he said happily looking at the baby. But Naruto halted when something caught his eye. It was a toy store. He blinked realizing that he had yet to even get the baby a toy._ Babies need toys. Even little babies, don't they? _He questioned silently. "Hey little guy, you want to get a toy real quick?" he asked the baby smiling wide.

The baby grabbed onto Naruto's lip, tugging it as hard as his little baby arms could. When Naruto let out a pained yelped, the baby giggled around the binky and cooed

Naruto pouted slightly at the baby, frowning. "No, no." he said gently though not showing amusement. "Let's just go get you something so I don't have to worry about you trying to play with kunai or something." he mumbled as he stepped into the store and hurriedly began walking the aisles.

Suckling on the binky, the baby looked around the store with wide eyes, taking in all the bright colors and shapes. He snuggled close to Naruto, taking comfort in the warmth.

Naruto bounced around happily smiling and cooing at the baby, showing him several toys. "Hey, isn't this great? Now you can have anything one thing you want as long as its under 200 ryu ok?" he said to the baby as he smiled knowing that it was silly but still feeling he had to talk to the baby like that

The baby merely smiled around the binky, looking at all the toys with excited eyes. "Buh!" the baby suddenly squealed, reaching for something red on the shelf.

Naruto, all smiles looked instantly for what the baby was after reaching for the red object. "A ball?" he asked him self as he grabbed the cotton ball.

"Buh!" the baby made grabby hands, trying to take the small stuffed tomato out of Naruto's grasp.

Naruto stared at the what he realized now as a stuffed tomato. As the baby gnawed on it happily, he smiled scratching the back of his head. "Well, if it was a stuffed cup of ramen I would want it also." he said laughing as he made his way to the cashier.

There was a bit of the fight to make the baby let go of the tomato, which quickly resulted in tears until it was returned to him. Once the toy was in his grasp again, the baby clung to it, fussing again as he became hungrier.

Naruto smiled at the man who smiled at the baby, sorry for having to take his toy as he made his way out of the store. "Dun worry Little Guy. We're almost there, see?" he said pointing at the four story apartment building just past another line of shops. The blonde began to make his way home, once against holding the fussing baby tight as he wove through people and objects still holding onto the bags.

The baby started to whimper now, his little fingers clinging to the soft cotton of the tomato. Tears welled up in his eyes as his belly growled.

Finally making it to his apartment door, Naruto scrambled for his keys. He shushed the whimpering and quickly crying baby as he fumbled around. "It's ok. We're here. Tousan will get you some food in a second." he cooed, not even realizing his slip of the tongue.

By now the baby was into full fledged wailing, his arms waving about. The tomato was lost in the flail. It bonked Naruto on the neck. The binky fell to the ground as he cried.

Naruto gently set his shopping bags down and waddled over to the couch with the fussing baby. Setting him on his back and placing pillows along the edge of the couch so he wouldn't have to worry about the baby falling, he began to rummage through the shopping bags.

If anything, being placed down made the baby cry louder. He wasn't being fed or held or played with.

Naruto quickly rummaged through the bags finding what he needed he set them on the counter and ran back to the baby. "Hey, hey. It's okay. I'm here." Naruto ran back to the kitchen holding the babe close as he began to sterilize the nipples and bottles while preparing the formula.

Naruto's words did little to sooth the babe. He just continued screaming, his face red and lungs wailing.

Naruto sighed as he prepared the baby's food, following every direction down to the punctuation. "Hey, hey." Naruto crooned softly as he waited for the food to be ready. "Only a few more minutes Little Guy."

The baby screamed, loud enough that the neighbors could probably hear, his legs kicking and arms flailing.

Naruto nearly screamed in relief when the microwave binged. He hurriedly ran forward, testing the bottle on his wrist. "Ahh there. All ready. Say ahh." he cooed bringing the bottle near.

The baby cried, before the nipple found itself in his mouth. Calming, the baby suckled hungrily looking up at Naruto with watery eyes and pink cheeks. He hiccupped and a bit of formula dribbled down his chin.

Naruto smiled, incur aging the baby to drink slowly as he dabbed at the baby's chin with a towel. "There, there. See? You're not gonna starve. Hehe, hungry little thing aren't you?" he said smiling as he turned off the stove, albeit somewhat difficult as he had to use his elbow; then headed over to the couch to sit and feed the babe.

The baby closed it's eyes content and it suckled. He would open his eyes every so often to look at Naruto, being generally cute and messy as he drank.

Naruto raised a blonde brow at the baby boy smiling as he fed him. "Wow, you're like me with ramen... or Sakura with Sasuke." He said watching the baby drink. "Meeh... You're gonna have to meet Sasuke sometime Little Guy. As soon as I drag his ass back to Konoha that is. Heh. I bet even you could melt his bastard like ice heart."

The baby's hand reach up to 'hold' the bottle, one hand wrapping around Naruto's finger. It began to suckle slower, starting to get full.

Naruto smiled gently, brushing his free hand's (as the elbow supported the baby) fingers across the baby's chubby, flushed cheek. "Hey, what's your name Little Guy? I can't keep calling you Little Guy you know." He said smiling as he watched him.

The baby looked at him, hiccuping. A flood of milk escaped his lips and dribbled down to his chest.

Naruto placed the towel setting beside him under the baby's chin, dabbing at the mess. "Definitely like Sakura towards Sasuke." Naruto said, smiling. He continued to fed the baby till the bottle was nearly empty and the little boy let it escape from his lips with a pop.

The baby cooed, content and with a full belly, coughing a bit. It squirmed, babbling to him with his baby talk. "Ah-bah."

Naruto giggled as he set the bottle aside, propping the baby up to his shoulder which he hastily remembered to put the towel over. "Hm, I've seen mothers in town throw a fit about that. No way you're puking on my jacket, Little Guy." Naruto hummed, smiling as he began to pat the baby's back gently.

The baby squirmed, before letting out a wet burp, spit up coming out and landing on the towel. "Da-bah." a small hand found the cloth of Naruto's headband and yanked.

Naruto giggled as he gently dislodged the baby's fingers brought him back forward as he smiled down at him. "You're a brat. You know that?" he said straightening his headband. Naruto removed the towel (not without gaging) and set about cleaning up as he carried the baby around against his right shoulder. "Hm, what say we go through your stuff now Baby?" he said when he had finished.

"Dahhtehhh." the baby cooed, looking at the apartment.

"Dattebayou." Naruto said happily as he began moving the bags to the coffee table, settling down beside it and cradling the baby in his arms. "Hey lookie. Here's your Tomato." Naruto cooed handing the baby the lost toy. "Tomato." Naruto said slowly wriggling the toy about.

"Maah!" the baby squealed, reaching for the toy.

Naruto smiled, handing the happy babe the toy as he went about digging through the bags. "Okay! Stroller, bed; check. Bottles, teething rings, binkys; check. Diapers, wet wipes, powder, blankies; check. Clothing; check. Was that everything Little Guy?" he asked smiling down at the baby.

"Buubuu." the baby mumbled around the tomato in his mouth. It squirmed, face getting red again.

Naruto unpacked several items, watching the baby closely. "Hey Baby, are you okay?" he asked cooing and cradling the baby over his shoulder.

The baby started to grunt, and an unpleasant smell starting to fill the air.

The blonde made a face, paling slightly when he realized what it was. "...going to the bathroom, huh?" he grimaced slightly as he held the baby a bit longer till he was finished gathering up the plastic bags and placing then in his pantry.

After a few moments, the grunting stopped, and fussing began. The baby started to whimper from the uncomfortable feeling in his diaper

Naruto sighed as he went to his room, setting a large bath towel onto the soft full sized bed. "Might as well get it over with this second." he said to the baby, grabbing the powder and wipes and a bag of diapers. "Let's see now." he said holding his breath, already ready for what he knew was coming. "Don't look, don't look, don't look." Naruto chanted, avoiding looking at the 'mess.'

The baby giggled when the diaper was taken off, and from the look on Naruto's face. It almost seemed the giggle was downright sadistic, as it wiggled, making the diaper changing difficult.

Naruto gently placed a hand on the baby's tummy, holding him still as he tossed the dirty diaper and extracted a wipe from the hard to open box. "Stupid baby wipes." He mumbled as he cleaned the baby's bottom. "You have the life, don't you Little Guy? You have the next Hokage wiping your ass. That must mean something, huh?" he smiled as he finished.

"Gah-bah!" the baby giggled, clapping his hands together.

Nauto smiled as he powdered the baby's bottom then set about getting the diaper. "Okay, okay. Let's see..." Rip. "One tab." Rip. "Second tab. Haha not so hard, huh Baby?" he said as he smiled that familiar Naruto smile.

The baby cooed, then rubbed it's eye yawning. He giggled, looking at Naruto with a smile.

Naruto cooed down at the baby, taping the diaper shut gently as he smiled. "Hmm, bed time for... for..." The blonde paused, looking at the little boy. "You need a name." He said sadly. "Hmm... Kai? Nah. Hiro? Maybe. Hmmm..." the blonde went on for another three minutes, rambling off random names.

"Well let's see. You practically have me at your beck and call. You're in good health even though someone just left you outside my door. And, you need something strong but also Cute since you're a little charmer. Hm." a lightbulb click on over his head. "Yukio!" he said happily.

The baby cooed, yawning again as it snuggled into Naruto's hold. It smiled at the name, taking a bit of Naruto's shirt into his mouth and sucking on it.

"It's Yukio's bed time now." he cooed softly as he headed out to the living room once more, un packing and assembling the hammock bed with one hand. "Good thing I'm a ninja" He said, laughing slightly.

The baby yawned again, nuzzling his head into Naruto's neck. His eyes were starting to get heavy.

Naruto smiled, setting the red baby hammock covered in black leaf symbols on the coffee table and set one of Yukio's three new baby blankets into it. Then the baby himself was placed inside. Naruto buckled the baby in gently as he grabbed another blanket and covered him with it making sire the baby was warm. "There you go." he said gently.

The baby fussed a little, a bit upset at the lack of his previously warm bed. Yukio reached for Naruto with his hands, giving the blond the most pathetic baby look he could muster.

Naruto smiled gently, picking up the baby hammock and carrying it with him to the bedroom. He could always clean up the living room tomorrow. "Don't worry Little Guy. I'm not going anywhere." He said softly as he set the baby hammock on the bed, before running over to the closet. "It's a good thing I kept this." Naruto pulled a safety rail from his closet. "Never though I was going to need this though, since I don't actually have the second half to his bunk bed." The blonde placed the rail on the side of the bed, checking to make sure it was secure as he settled the baby's bed near the left side as he himself settled on the right. "There, you see?" Naruto cooed, nuzzling his blonde head against the baby's tummy. "Naru tousan isn't going anywhere."

The baby grabbed Naruto's hair, tugging it. Yukio took comfort in clinging to Naruto, even though it was his hair.

Naruto smiled, snuggling close to the baby's bed. He propped a pillow under his own head to support it by the hammock as he placed the baby's toy closer to his head instead of the baby's feet.

Yukio let go of Naruto's hair in favor of Mr. Tomato. Biting onto the cloth tomato, the baby cooed, slowly falling asleep.

Cute enough for everyone?

Thanks for reading and please review.

Ja min'na-san!


End file.
